Well, as I put in my description, and it's in the title, I have a big obsession with Kristen Stewart. When people hear the word "Obsession" or "Obsessed" they think that I have this sort of problem or something. Like if all I want is her, her, her. And that I'm such a big weirdo and freak for being obsessed with a "girl like Kristen". My aunt once told me to never say that I was obsessed with Kristen because people would think that I'm in love with. Little did/does she know that it's true. I am in love with Kristen and I'm not afraid to admit it. I'm in love with her smile, her eyes, her laugh. I'm in love with her personality. I'm in love with her sense of humor. I'm in love with her acting and talent. I'm in love with her adorkable-ness and silly-ness. I'm in love with her imperfections and her beauty. I actually wish I was her.
It sounds weird I know, but I can't help it. She's the light that shines when everything goes dark and I'm stranded in the dark empty belly of loneliness. She's the inspiration that keeps me going when everything goes wrong in this wicked, bitch of a life. She changed me for the best.
I used to be a passive, shy, quiet, nice girl that let everyone control her, and let everyone step on her and bully her. I used to not have a voice. I was always scared that everyone would turn against me and hate me. I wanted to be liked and popular. I wanted to be 'THOSE' type of people. When I think of back then I always ask myself these questions: "Why the FUCK did I want to be like them?" "Why did I want to be like them?" "Was I on crack?" "Did they brain wash me?" "Who the FUCK was I?"
I guess it was because I was tired of being called fat, ugly, stupid, bullshitter, and being told that I was uncool, that no one liked me because I wasn't 'pretty' enough, that I wanted to be like everyone else because I thought that there was something wrong with me.
I started to cut myself after that. The name calling went from when I was young until I was in 8th. There still is a bit but I stand up for myself now. Back then I took it. I started to change a bit when my friend/sister Aubree started to teach me to be like her, careless, assertive/aggressive. I wanted to stop being so stupid and passive and so forgiving.
I then saw the movie Twilight and recognized the main chick from previous movies that I'd seen. I didn't really like her at first to tell you the truth. THAT's when I figured out that I was being brainwashed. Because everyone didn't like her, I didn't like her. But that's when I set my foot down. When I said, "No. I'm DONE. Fuck you all."
After New Moon came out, I started to read the Twilight books because I found out that the movies were based on books. I started to find Kristen a bit interesting. I was in 8th grade when New Moon came out and I was soooo excited for Eclipse. I researched Kristen between that time and found her pretty interesting. I then really wanted to see The Runaways because Kristen came out in it and I've heard of Joan Jett before and I liked her.
After I saw Eclipse, I was absolutely in love with Kristen and Rob and Taylor more than I was waiting for that movie. I then started shipping ROBSTEN. <3
I came back in my freshmen year with a combination of Goth/punk, with girly-ness. Bit more girly-ness unfortunately. I despised everything girly since the girly/popular girls were the ones who hurt me and traumatized my soul deeply. However, I still dressed like them a bit. I sort of alternated. A few days punk, a few days girly. I wanted to fit in high school. But then I started to change. Second semester in my freshmen year, I came back with a whole new hair cut. (My hair used to be long light/dark brown, no layers, down 2 in. below my butt. I then cut layers and dyed it black but kept it that long, and I finally got to let it down.) And I finally got to wear eye liner. I could start wearing make up when I turned 15. Luckily my birthday is the 3rd of January and returned on the 11ish.
Everyone liked my new style since it was a bit Kristen-y. I used to wear bangs back then that sometimes covered my eye. And I used to be terrified to wear my bangs back. T.E.R.R.I.F.I.E.D. No lie. And one day I dared to wear a Kristen outfit with my hair wavy/curly and my bangs swept back.
Then I cut my hair much shorter in March. I cut it to where my bra hook hooked and in short layers with bangs. I wanted a sort of similar look to Kristen as Joan Jett.(I HAD FINALLY SEEN THE RUNAWAYS!:D ) And I dyed my hair black also. And then i dressed even more like Kristen because I didn't know I was becoming a Krisbian. I thought that this was just a phase in my life and high school like everyone has. But it wasn't.
In the summer, I dared to finally out my bangs back and run my hand freely through my hair and not worry about my bangs getting messed up. I then finally had my Quince(Quincenera) and rocked that shit. But that's in a different post. And right on the day before school, I went to the salon to cut my hair.To my horror, the man who normally cuts my hair wasn't there! So I let this young lady cut it. I told her I wanted to cut it into a kind of mullet but that it still blended in as layers. I showed her pictures of JetStew and she claimed that 'yeah, I understand.' (She was full latina. Did not speak no english.) And when my hair cut was done. I died. It was absolutely horrendous. I only had an inch or two of bangs on my forehead(It looked stupid) and the layers were on top and long at the bottom. -_- So, when my aunt picked me up, I asked her if she had a pair of hair cutting scissors. And when she gave them to me, I went into the bathroom and began to cut my own hair. And I fixed it! Hallelujah!
I totally looked like Jet fucking Stew! :)
Well, I'm going to fast foward a bit okay? Well, later in that same semester I dressed like Kristen more and more and more. Then around November when it was Twicon I wore red skinny jeans a twilight tee. I looked like Kristen in a way if you saw that picture of her. Some of you know what I'm talking about. Well, then I wore something similar to the Breaking Dawn Part 1 midnight showing,too. Well, then, when I came back 2 semester in my Sophomore year my hair was a bit different. I didn't have it parted in the middle anymore. I parted it to the side and pushed it back with my hand when I'd run my hand through it. And I am so so so so different this year than my freshmen year and back. People say I'm a bitch. But that's only because I'm not that girl that let them push me around and that never stood up to anyone.
My motto then was "Be healthy and fuck everyone!" I had it written on my arm for a few months to help me.
And it worked.
I now curse like it's nobody's business and swear like a fucking sailor. I'm like a fucking terrorist. I drop F-Bombs, B-Bombs, and every other fucking bomb everywhere I can. I tell people to shut the fuck up. To go fuck off. Call them fuck nutts. Everything I would not say back then. I drastically changed. And I mean it. People seriously think that I went psycho or that I have a fucking stick up my ass. It could be that.....or it could be that I'm just not giving Fucks anymore. I'm still nice, forgiving, and shy and quiet. But if you piss me off, I'll fucking be the biggest bitch. Like I always say, "Life's a Bitch..But so am I! Karma's a bitch, but guess what? So. Am. I." When I tell people that I'm going to be the nicest girl they'll ever meet..they laugh. Because they only know this side of me. They don't know my old side, the side that's like the sweetest and nicest. Some people do know that side and that's why they know I am going to be the nicest girl they'll ever meet. Because I don't judge..or tell secrets. If it's not meant to be told, I. WON'T. SAY. IT. Because it's not my secret to tell. I'm like the most trustworthy person ever. Some people believe it, some people don't. And I don't judge because it's not my place to judge. I'll probably be upset or disappointed, but I'll never judge. Only God can.
And even today, every friend that I have, know that I'm so chill and laid back. Until you get me hyper or angry. And I mostly have guy friends because I get along better with them. And they feel comfortable around me. And I love that.
I changed so much. And I love my new attitude. And it's thanks to Kristen. So the next time you or someone else says that Kristen lacks expressions or personality or that she looks like a bitch....watch your mouth. 'Cause I get REALLY defensive about her. Because she changed my life so much.
I'll leave you guys with that and do another post later on. Goodnight, Loves! Sweet Robsten dreams;)
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